Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
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me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
When someone trying to leave me
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
let’s discuss
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.