PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
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Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
is it earth
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Merica.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.