Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
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I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.