Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
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mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.