priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
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The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
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Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
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Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
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When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
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DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
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3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊