PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
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Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.