PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
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Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs: