PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
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date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.