Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
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If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Thanks to a fan for this one!
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.