Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
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The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
doing your own taxes
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.