PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
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me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
you stereotypes are all alike
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired