PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
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[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
(more comics:
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.