Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
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David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
BaD BoY!!
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.