Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
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[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
What the hell happened here.
i can’t wait that long
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”