@_elvishpresley_

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

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@thesupergrobi

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

@judyohtweets

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

@PaperWash

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

@TheRolo

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

@JimmerThatisAll

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

@AmericanGent69

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

@bencoffeehall

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

@Angibangie

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

@noog

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

@JamieGreenlees

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying