Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
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Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.