PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.