Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
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Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.