Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
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Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Sheep
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.