Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
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Sticker placement is key.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
No, YOUR illiterate.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
okay run it by me one more time
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?