Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
You Might Also Like
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
excuse me
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*