*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
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As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
a god among men
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
X-tra spooky blend
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato