Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
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[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.