Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
oh u like geography? name every lake
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
being a writer on Twitter:
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.