Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
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Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
the world’s most popular steaming services
uh oh
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name