PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)