Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
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wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
the official breakfast of 2021
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.