prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
set yourself free xox
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I told my vodka about you.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July