Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
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son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*