[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
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Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good