Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
You Might Also Like
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.