Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

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If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.


I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.


I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll


One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.


haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”


. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.


She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home