@Nickadoo

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

You Might Also Like

@Carbosly

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

@daemonic3

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

@huntigula

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

@Stellacopter

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

@KraftDinerr

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

@causticbob

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

@dreadnaught420

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home