PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
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It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.