Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
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My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
no!! no!!!!!!
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?