principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
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well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
My dress code is business-casualty.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
This will teach them to underestimate me
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
When I can’t barge, I careen.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”