[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Lmfaoooooo
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]