Pringles
You Might Also Like
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Guantanamo Bae
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
No regrets in 2018
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.