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My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I was bored.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Wake me when AI does housework
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”