*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
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As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
not seeing the problem
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Who knew!
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I am all good here, 😂😉
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.