PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
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There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time