[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
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Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.