[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
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1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Butt weight. There’s more!
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Muppet Screams
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.