[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
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Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Saw online –
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Can’t stop laughing