[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
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I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Candles never taste the way they smell
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy