@Malowbar This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
@ArfMeasures [Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
You Might Also Like
@Malowbar 
@WilliamAder We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
@HomeProbably Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
@KeetPotato doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
@joejwest LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
@dave_cactus DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
@5hael [David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
@daemonic3 “Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
@stevevsninjas Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
@hipchkk If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.