@ArfMeasures

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

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@Malowbar

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

@WilliamAder

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

@HomeProbably

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

@KeetPotato

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

@joejwest

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

@dave_cactus

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

@5hael

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

@daemonic3

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

@hipchkk

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.