[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
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Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”