Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
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“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
🙁
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
#SuperBowl