[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
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Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground