Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
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a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me: