@BabetteJones

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

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@jonnysun

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

@Brampersandon_

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

@lovejulieacafe

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

@Dani_Feld

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

@Cornjerker78

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

@WarrenHolstein

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

@maryfairybobrry

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

@ohpegah

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

@HenpeckedHal

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”