pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
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if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
accurate
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.