Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
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“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Strangers have the best candy.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.