Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
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Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?